It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
