I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
