The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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