dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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