she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
where does the pee come out of this thing
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
