Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I deserve this hangover.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
