so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
