i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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