Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
