He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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