I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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