On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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