I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
