Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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