dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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