Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
