just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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