i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
