My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
