Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
