it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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