I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
