But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
