She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
