i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
