I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
