Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
