I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
