so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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