And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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