Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
