I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
