I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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