the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
