Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
