Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Enjoy the penises
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
