It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
