Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
