took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize