i need an iv and a liver transplant
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
