ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
