So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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