Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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