My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
