i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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