i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
