Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
