o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
