so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
