I accidentally had phone sex last night
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.