There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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