i permit you to call me
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.