The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
