My sheets look like a crime scene.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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