Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
