Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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