How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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