....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
