Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
