You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
